Mothers: Having One, Loving One, Being One

Where would I be without my mother?

Well, not existing right here right at this very moment writing this while juggling three little babies of my own that’s for sure.

But in all seriousness, I don’t know where I would be without my mother. Especially these last several weeks of having my THIRD baby in UNDER three years and then finding out that our precious new baby has a rare birth defect called Microcephaly. It’s been tough to say the least. And she has been right here with me almost the whole time.

As soon as she’s off work, she’s at our house.

On the weekends, if she’s not working, she’s at our house.

My siblings have probably begun to not be very fond of me or her lately due to my hogging ALL the Nana babysitting time. And I don’t believe I have any right to say that I’ve deserved all her time here lately, but I am here to say that I COULD NOT have survived these last several weeks without her.

Being a mother is tough. I’ve known this my whole life, which would be why I swore up and down my entire life that I WAS NOT going to have children. It made my blood pressure shoot through the roof just being around children, which I now know had a lot to do with my lifelong struggle with anxiety. (But that’s a story for another day.)

When I found out I was pregnant with Atlas, my first child, I was TERRIFIED. I wasn’t excited. Not at first. How could I have a child? I don’t want children…I don’t think. Do I? I can’t do this. I don’t have the patience for this. I’m not married. What will people think? A million thoughts raced through my brain of why this was a horrible thing, but I loved the man I was with so much and the thought of being with him and he being the father of my children quickly helped calm my nerves and before I knew it we were so excited for this new life that was beginning for us.

Fast forward a brief period and here comes number two. Our little Adelaide Louise, aka Addy Lou, aka LuLu, aka the one that rocked our world. She brought us the wonderful experience of having a baby with “colic.” Whatever the hell that is. I’m pretty sure it IS hell. In cute screaming baby form. She was proof that motherhood, parenthood, adulthood was TOUGH. But isn’t it just the craziest thing how you think you just can’t make it one more second, you can’t listen to the screams one more second or you’re going to lose it. Isn’t it crazy how you STILL love that little baby more than life itself?

I mean how could you not love this precious little thing right here??

Around the time that our little LuLu started turning into a more normal, calm, non-screaming baby we started to relax. I started to feel more like myself and I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. We were a happy little family with a baby boy and a baby girl. I was married to the most amazing man and father a girl could ever dream of finding. Life was good.

And then the dam broke.

Literally.

Our 99.9% effective form of contraceptive decided to show us how life is for the other 0.1%.

When I found out I was pregnant again, I cried. For like two days straight. I had horrible thoughts that no one ever wants to admit they have. We JUST made it through some of the toughest times with a baby, HOW could this be happening again? But I was quickly starting to realize that life is going to throw you curve balls over and over and over again and you just gotta roll with it. That’s all you can do. As much as you want to run away, you just have to chin up and deal with it. You can’t go backward, only forward in life. So why even spend time asking the why’s and what if’s.

So fast forward again several months and we’re welcoming our third beautiful baby boy that we’d adjusted to the idea of sometime over those nine months. He was perfect. Life was perfect. We were a little crazy having three babies in diapers, but it was great.

I felt relief. I can do this. I’m doing this. We’re doing this. Three babies? We’ve SO got this.

And then BAM.

And if you don’t know what direction the story goes at this point, then go read my last blog post, Imagine This.

Life is crazy, y’all. I am not gonna lie. Some people have it worse than me. Some people have it better than me. But I can only speak for myself when I say life. is. hard.

But my momma has been here for me through it ALL and I have never been more thankful for her in my entire life than I have these last several weeks.

We’ve come a long way in our life as mother and daughter. All the way from fighting, screaming, and disagreeing on everything to being absolute best friends.

She has gone above and beyond for us since little Apollo’s birth and then his diagnosis. My anxiety has been through the roof, but she’s been there WITH A BROKEN HAND holding, feeding, rocking, loving whichever baby needs attention while Mommy and Daddy are occupied with the other little ones.

I guess in all my rambling what I’m ultimately trying to say is that I would hate to know what this crazy world would actually be like if it weren’t for the mere presence of a mother’s love for her children and a Nana’s love for her grands.